


PADME LIVES

by nooneimportant36



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9199853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nooneimportant36/pseuds/nooneimportant36
Summary: as i sat procrastinating for an exam i decided that padme deserved better soooo i gave her that in this story that was inspired by my immortal-which i do not take credit for





	1. Chapter 1

SO PADME IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH

“Even tho she is completely healthy and has no reason to, Padme is dying.” –mechanical droid.

“Sad.” –Yoda

“Oh dear.” Obi-Wan

“oh no.” –Bail organa

“We have to move fast to save her twins.” Driod

“She’s preganant?” –Bail organs.  “I’ll take her baby girl because, by a happy coincidence, my wife and I want a baby girl and she’s barren and I have erectile dysfunction.”

“And what of the boy?” –obi-wan

“who cares we only want a girl” –bail oragona

“to his family on that dessert planet send him.” –yoda

“cool I can become a hermit and look out for him I guess” –obi-wan

“HEY!” –Padme from the floaty bed thing “I’m not dying you fukcs I’m just resting because im tired of dealing with skywalker shit.” “You’ll never take my babies from me.” She then proceeds to pop Luke and Leia out of her va-jay-jay at lightning speed. Yoda faints.

Padme picks up her two children and they all leave the asteroid on Bail’s ship. Obi-wan carries Yoda. Then after Padme slaps Yoda awake they sit around a table and discuss what should be done about the empire. Padme is breast feeding both luke and leia at the same time.

“So how are you fucks planning on saving the galaxy?” -Padme

“Go live in a hut by myself I will.” –Yoda

“Why talk normal can’t you greenie?” –Padme “save us how will that?” Yoda grumbles and crosses his arms like a child.

“I’ve never seen tiddies before.” –Obi-wan stares at Padme’s boobies.

“I might have some contacts in the senate who can help us destroy the empire.” –Bail origami

“Good contact them and tell them to help us.” –Padme

“Yeah alright.” –Bail orgy. He leaves the area to contact his people that he knows are probably not evil.

 


	2. ch 2

After Bail orchestra contacted his friends in the senate they all agreed to form a rebellion and help fight the empire. Padme worked from inside the senate to turn the senate against palaptine wearing a disguise, a mustache and some glasses. she called herself Joe M. Ama. No one would suspect a thing. Sometimes she would bring her kids there and breastfeed them.

15 YEARS LATER

“So I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if we all did everything I said and I took away all your freedom forever and we all wear funny hats on wednesdays.” –Palpatine. Everyone cheered.

“Well actually it might not be in everyone’s best interest if you took away all our freedoms.” –Joe M. Ama (secretly Padme). The crowd gasped audibly. Palpatine frowned.

“Well Joe M. Ama I think you don’t have everyone’s best interest at heart.” –Palpatine. The crowd murmured their agreement. “You just don’t want us wearing silly hats.” The crowd booed at Padme.

“Well you’re the sith lord, since when do sith have anyone’s best interest at heart?” -Joe M. Ama (Secretly Padme). There were OOOs from the audience.

“WHO TOLD YOU THAT?” –Palpatine. The crowd gasped. “I mean-uhhh…Im defintitely not a sith lord that’s ridicioulous why would you think im a sith lord the senate would never be dumb enough to elet a sith lord SESSION AJOURNED.” He banged his gavel in the desk. Then his podium slowly descended through the floor and the senate watched him go.

“Well that was a successful session, but the senate is still on his side. I just need them to believe that Palpatine is a sith.” –Joe M. Ama (secretly padme) said after one particularly good session. She and Bail orgasm were walking down the hallway of the senate.

“Yes I think you’re right Joe M. Ama.” –Bail oligarchy. When she was sure they were alone, Padme took off her disguise. “PADME?!!??” Bail screamed.

“For the billionth time you fuck yes it was me in the disguise, I am Joe M. Ama.” –Padme

“Wow I had no idea.” –Bail original.

“PADME!!!????” –Darth Vader

“Fuck.” –Padme

“YOU’RE ALIVE!!!???” –Darth Vader

“Uh…no…you’re just having a nightmare go back to sleep Annie.” –Padme

Darth Vader laid on the ground and went to sleep.

“I can’t believe I married that idiot.” –Padme. Then she and Bail oprah left the senate building to go back to Bail’s home and watch Cutthroat Kitchen on Netflix.


	3. ch 3

“Man palpy I had the weirdest dream earlier.” –Vader

“Oh great another dream please tell me all about it.” –Palpatine said sarcastically.

“I dreamt I saw Padme in the senate building I heard her say she was Joe M. Ama to Bail Organa and then she told me to go back to sleep.” –Vader

“Oh really??” –Palpatine. He thought back to every session of congress (or is it the senate what is it called, is it the same thing, why did I have to have padme sign a treaty in the PHantim menace?) And he realized that perhaps Padme hadn’t died like he told Vader.

“She is dead right?” Vader asked

“Oh yes definitely you killed that dumb btich and your unborn child” (vader starts crying loudly) “and she definitely didn’t die in child birth as a result of your actions and I definitely didn’t just take the opportunity to make you hate yourself and solidify your descent to the dark side.” –palpainte.

“Oh okay well that’s good because that would be a dick move.” -Vader

“Hahahaha yeas that would be such a dick move.” –Palpaine. He dismissed vader and vader left. Plapatine turned to his guard “would that be a dick thing to do?”

“Well yeah it would actually that’s like adding insult to injury. It would be shitty for him to get burned alive, kill everyone to save his wife and child (which is super fucked up btw), and then get told that he killed them. Yeah that would be rude. But good thing you didn’t do that, you’re not a dick.” –Guard.

Palpatine leaves to go to his bedroom. “I’m such a dick.” He says to his mirror.

 


	4. ch 4

“Bail I’ve come up with a way to make the senate realize that palpatine is a sith lord.” –Padme

“PALPATINE IS A Sith LORD?” –Bail origin.

“Yes you fuck.” –Padme. “Now what I’m gonna do is spray paint ‘Palpatine is a sith lord’ on the senate building in big red letters.”

“Excellent plan Padme.” –Obi-wan “But vandalism is illegal.”

“Says the man who let darth vader live.” –Padme

“Point taken.” –Obi-wan

“Do what do I?” –Yoda

“Talk normal and babysit my kids.” –Padme

“But MOOOoooOOOM,” we don’t need a babysitter!” Luke and Leia shouted in unison. Luke is in his goth phase, wearing black clothes and has a Mohawk, with black eye shadow and black nails. Leia is in her teenage girl phase, whatever that means. She made Bail opra cry once.

“Why can’t I go to Gothica with Dak, evanescence is suppose to be there?” –Luke

“Fine you can go to Gothica with your boyfriend, but be home by 9.” –Padme “Leia, go with your brother and make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble.”

“Ew I  like don’t want to like hang out with them, Gothica is like so like last year.” –Leia

“Fine. Stay home and clean your room then.” –Padme

“This like so isn’t fair.” –Leia storms off to her room. “Why can’t I like come with you?”

“Ohkay then come with me.” -Padme

“Yoda you will go with Luke and his boyfriend Dak and make sure they get there and back safely.” –Padme

“Fine.” -Yoda

Padme and Leia then left disguised as a mandalorian bounty hunters and went to the senate bilding in a ship and wrote ‘palpatine is a sith lord’ in red letters on the senate buidlign and leia wrote “palpatine is an uncool dick.’ In the days to follow, the news hounded palpatine and followed him wherever he went so he couldn’t secretly do his sith duties without them seeing and knowing the truth and have the senate turn against him.

“Mr. Palpatine is it true that you’re an uncool dick?” –Ryan Seacrest

“No of course I’m not a dick im a good person and im defintelly cool!” -Palpatine

“And now that the media has a good eye on palpatine and is keeping him from being an evil dick” (he was last seen helping an old lady get a rancor unstuck from a tree) “we commence with part 2 of my plan.” -padme

“What’s part 2?” -Bail olive garden

“im going to destroy the death star and turn vader back to the good side.”

“Oh is that all?” -Obi-wan “well at least it’s nothing too difficult.” 

“Good then you’re in.” –Padme.


	5. ch 5

“Luke Amidala I told you to be home by 9 o’clock and it’s 9:45 I was worried sick about you!” –Padme

“Mom evansence had an encore we couldn’t leave.” –Luke

“Right is he, leave we could not.” –Yoda. he was now in full goth clothing and had his gothic awakening during ‘bring me to life.’

“Yoda was there we were fine.” –Luke

“Did Dak get home safely?” –Padme

“OF course he did, we flew him home.” –Luke

“Good but you’re still grounded for disobeying me.” –Padme

“MOM.” –Luke

“Fair that is not!” –Yoda

“You’re grounded too Yoda, now both of you go to your rooms.” –Padme

“FINE.” They screamo yelled in unison.

“Leia are you ready?” –Padme

“Like yep.” –Leia

“Okay then come on.” –Padme

Padme, Leia, Obi-wan, and Bail left the oragana househould and leia and bail were sent to the senate building where the senate was in session. Padme and Obi-wan went to the death star.


	6. ch 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> may the force be with carrie fisher

“So today in this session of congress we will be discussing how losing freedoms is actually a good thing.” It was Wednesday and everyone was wearing a funny hat.

“Actually before we get into that there’s something I would like to say.” –Bail omnipresent, he was wearing a giant light up cowboy hat

“Fine since this is supposedly still a democracy I will allow you to speak.” –palpatine he was wearing a hot dog hat.

Bail nudged Leia and let her stand up to take the floor. She was wearing a chicken hat.

“So like we all know that freedom is like a good thing and like taking that away is like a total dick thing to do.” –Leia. The senate agreed with her.

“I AM NOT A DICK” –palpatine

“then like you like won’t take like away everyone’s freedom.” –Leia

Palpatine glared at Leia. “Fine I won’t take away everyone’s freedom.” –palapitne, he grumbled and crossed his arms like a pouting child.

“Like also everyone like take a look at this screen thing.” –Leia. On the screen was the death star in the middle of construction. “Like that thing is a death star thing and like it will like destroy like entire planets which is like a dick thing to do.” –leia. The senate agrees.

“How did you know about that?” –palpaitine

“Sources.” –leia “like also you’re not denying it so like you like admit to like being a total dick.” The senate booed papalting.

“I-but-I---” –palpatine sputtered

“Like gotcha.” –leia. The senate cheered for leia.

The senate immedieately realized that palaptine was a dick and a sith and took away all his political power and appointed leia as the new chancellor. Palpatine is arrested and sent to some distant planet to live out the rest of his life alone and sad. She dissolved the empire and created a new democracy modelled after the republic. The storm troopers were told to stop being mean and start helping people again. The jedi order was reinstated. Silly hat day was kept.


	7. ch 7

On the death star padme and obi-wan split up to look for the self-destruct button to initiate the self-destruct sequence.

“I don’t know why they had a self destruct button here but im glad they’re just that dumb enough to have one.” –obi-wan said to himself

He had found the button and was ready to text padme and tell her when was interrupted.

“Don’t push that button.” –darth vader

“Why not?” –obi-wan

“Because I said so.” –vader

“you’re not the boss of me.” –obi-wan

“I will kill you obi-wan.” –vader

“you tried that once and you ended up in that suit.” –obi-wan

“that was mean and now im gonna kill you for reals this time.” -vader

“you don’t have to do that Anakin you can come back to the light I know there’s probably still good in you.” –obi-wan

 “Anakin Skywalker is dead, I killed him.” –vader

“No you dumb fuck you’re just detaching yourself from who you were.” –obi-wan “Anakin and darth vader are the same person and you need to accept that.”

“Anakin Skywalker died on Mustafar a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” –vader “he was left to burn alive by someone who supposedly loved him.” -vader

“That was 15 years ago let it go also that was rude.” –obi-wan

“it was rude of you to leave me to die.” –vader

“it was rude of you to murder literally everyone.” –obi-wan

“that was 15 years ago, let it go.” –vader

“LET IT GO, LET IT GO” –Elsa appears out of nowhere. Vader force chokes her.

“I cant let you stop me.” –vader “now with my master gone Im the most powerful being in the universe and you aren’t going to stop me.

“alright guess you’re more machine now than man an twisted and evil, btw what happened to your dick? Is it still there did it get burned off, can you still use it? How do you eat and shit?” –obi-wan

Vader then goes to attack Obi-wan and they fight because those are really personal questions and vader doesn’t like answering them and frankly it’s rude to ask and none of his business also you know he wanted revenge for being tunred inteo a metal persn.


	8. ch 8

Padme enters the room and sees Vader and Obi-wan fighting.

“Alright dumb fucks stop that right now.” –Padme

They immediately stop fighing and Vader screams when he sees Padme. Obi-wan is able to gain the upper hand and cuts off Vader’s hand. “AGAIN!!??” –Vader. He looks at obi-wam outraged.

“PADME!?!?!?!” –Vader “am I dreaming?”

“No you fuck im alive.” –Padme

“You’re alive?” –Vader “then palpatine did lie to me wow what a dick.”

“NO SHIT.” Padme and Obi-wan yell together in unison

“So does that make me a dick?” –vader

“YES” –the yell in unison again

“Im feeling a little attacked right now.” –vader

It is at this point that Padme slaps vader in the face so hard his helmet flies off. “God you’re ugly.” –padme

“I was burned alive!” –vader

“heh sorry not sorry.” –obi-wan

“well I am!” –vader. “look im sorry I was such a dick. Im sorry I killed literally everyone. Im sorry I resulted in the destruction of the republic. Im sorry i turned evil. Im sorry I hurt you. Im sorry I betrayed both of you. Im sorry I force choked you on mustafar padme. Obi-wan im sorry for laughing at you in barnes and noble when you got diarrhea and im sorry for repeating now. Im sorry for everything.” –Anakin.

“Thank you for your apology but that doesn’t change what you did.” –padme

“I don’t accept it, do you know that I still cant go back to barnes and noble without getting disgusted looks form the staff?” –obi-wan

“I understand.” –Anakin “also quick note I cant breathe and am choking to death because my lungs are burnt and shrivled, so uh you’re were right about me,and now I die.” He coughs and then collapses on the floor.

“well glad that’s over.” –padme

“OH WOE IS ME, OH the agONY” –Vader. “OH death cannot come quick enough” “save me from the nothing I’ve become,” Now that I know what I'm without, You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real, BRING ME TO LIFE”

Luke and Yoda appear out of nowhere at the sound of evancesnce. “WAKE ME UP (UP INSIDE WAKE ME –Yoda) I CANT WAKE UP”

Then Yoda, Luke, and Anakin proceed to sing the song Bring Me To Life and evancesse appears to play the song alongside them. Then when their done Anakin ealisez he has a son.

“Son?” –Anakin

“Father?” –Luke

 “Yes Luke that pathetic piece of metal is your father.” –padme

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” –Luke

“how the fuck was I suuposed to tell you your fahetr is dark vader.” –Padme

“Like wait the most like evil guy in like the galaxy is like our father?” –Leia

“unfortunatley” –Padme

“Im sorry that you had to meet me like this and that I wasn’t there for you my children.” –Anakin

“Like yeah it kinda sucks that you’re like dying now that you’ve like been redeemed.” –leia

“Is there nothing we can do?” –Luke

“It’s too late for me son and daughter, but I am glad to have seen you both with my own eyes.” –Vader. “Look out at the stars, the great kings of the past look down us from those stars.”

“Really?” –Luke

“Yes. So whnever you feel alone juts remember that thise kings will always be there to guide you and so will i.” –Anakn then he dies for real this time.

“Like did he just quote the lion king?” -leia

“It was his favorite movie.” –padme

Then Anakin’s force gosht appears. “Yeah it’s a great movie.” The four of them gaspe.

“Anakin you look so young.” –padme

“Yeah why don’t you look like that old burnt guy?” –luke

“Because I became Anakin Skywalker again and the last time I was Anakin Skywalker was when I looked like this.” –Anakin’s ghost

“But we’ernt you Anaking again just before you died?” –Obi-wan

“I don’t have to answer your questions im a giohost now and im free” –Anakin. Then he flies out the window to do whatever jedi gohst s do.

Then they leave they hit the self-destruct button and leave before it goes off. The death star explodes and everything is set right in the universe.

The force is back in balance. Yoda is super goth now and becomes a roadie for evanessence. Many other jedi have joined the jedi order. Ahsoka tano comes back and gets put in charge of everything and changes the whole ‘jedi can’t have attachment rules,’ and she trains luke in the ways of the force. As chancellor leia keeps peace in the galaxy forver, with bail as a guide. Padme retires to naboo and sips martinis and relaxes in the sand by the sea with obi-wan who she bangs. Luke and dak get married in a very goth wedding when they are older. Everyone lives happily after except palpatine, it’s rumored he got eaten by small teddy bears.


End file.
